Tennis Lessons

So I've recently picked up tennis. And by that I mean, I'm taking lessons and classes because I'm clueless about this sport. It's been on my radar since dental school, and I've recently had an urge to learn something new. I was feeling stagnant, and was craving some mental stimulation.

As I’m learning the sport, I’m learning a lot about myself. After my first class, I was hooked. It was a learning experience, physically challenging, and competitive (to me at least, because I am naturally competitive).  The challenge and beauty of it was that I had to surrender to the fact that I know nothing, and be in complete student mode. I then had to (and am still working on) unlearning all of my softball driven muscle memory so that I can rewire my mind and body for tennis. I've spent the last couple of years rewiring my thinking and patterns. It's hard, but I got good at it. Doing this physically is completely new to me.

As I’ve continued on this journey, my experience has shifted a bit. 90% of the time, I am having the time of my life on the court, I’m high on endorphins, and my time playing is just not enough. It’s like I could go on forever. The other 10%, I am completely enraged. I want to hit all of the balls out of the court, then smash my racket, and throw my water bottle at the fence. Honestly, I would destroy anything in my vicinity in this blinding rage. I get so angry because I feel like I’m not improving. I am mad that I’m not better, I am angry at the fact that I’m aware of what I’m doing wrong but I’m not correcting it. My dysfunctional muscle memory takes over, and it’s like my body is not doing what my mind is telling it to do. It is a disconnect with myself. 

This anger is unfamiliar to me. I am not an angry person, and I let very little actually get me riled up. That’s the other thing, this feeling is new, its different, and I don’t know what to do with it. Sometimes I can breathe through it, take a break, and come back to neutral. Other times, I just have to walk away and accept that today was trash. Throw it out and move on. What I’m finding, however, is that this feeling, this anger, is coming up for me outside of tennis too. It’s like when you buy a new car and see it everywhere on the road. I am recognizing this feeling in me, in my every day life. This is more frustrating because when I’m playing tennis, I am angry with my tennis abilities. When I am just living my life, I can’t identify the source of it. I am assuming that it’s the same: a disconnect.

So I am learning grace and patience for myself. (Am i?) I am feeling how angry I am with myself for all the times I’ve been disconnected, for all the stupid choices I’ve made, for all the regrets I’ve had, for all the times when I knew I was doing the wrong thing but continued simply due to muscle memory/because I was stuck in a pattern. I CAN rewire my mind and my body to work together, to function optimally, to produce the most benevolent outcome in all aspects of my life. I know this. I just have to keep going, one day at a time. 

So I'll share with you.. my reminders to me..

I am where I’m supposed to me.

I am perfectly imperfect.

Every obstacle is an opportunity for growth.

Just enjoy the journey.