2021 Reflection

What this year has taught me:

(cue: "Seeing Things" by The Black Crowes--- really, listen to it after. great tune)

-There will always be people in my life who love me. There is an abundance of love in my life, from my family, from friends, etc. But not everyone will see or hear me. Not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. They’re not meant to. They will love me in whatever capacity they can, and although it feels limited to me, it is genuine and real. I also am aware that there are people I have never seen before, and people that I still can’t hear. It's a very surreal feeling to see someone after some time passes and see them so differently because I'm in a different space.

-I learned to love from a distance. That I can care about people and remove myself from their life. I can be detached, and I can still love them, wish them well, and pray that they’re living their best life. I realize that people are likely loving me from where they are too. I am loved more than I know— we all are. What's even harder though, is being detached from the people who are in my life and in front of me. Feeling their unhappiness, for example, and not carrying these emotions as my own. Or choosing to not help them when they're falling because they are either unreceptive to help or because I simply cannot help them.

-I saw the stories I was a character of. There was a plot that kept playing over and over on repeat and I couldn’t understand why, until I saw the story from a different perspective— as an observer. Then I could see my role in the plot, and how I perpetuated the same conflict, climax, and ending. I was responding the same way in each chapter, and consequently, nothing changed. I learned that I can choose differently, I can change the story. Knowing you can is one thing, doing it is another.

-I learned that I can not change people, and that they don't have to change for us to have a different relationship. When I change my perspective, when I dropped my expectations of people, the relationship changes on its own. I can drop my judgment of them and the idea of who I want them to be, and accept them as is. Then we can just enjoy each other. Then we are free to have a real relationship.

-I found the answers to my questions. Or more so, I learned who to ask. It’s me. My body can feel what’s right or wrong immediately, and my mind often only knows in hindsight. I learned to use them both, and it’s a beautiful partnership. Did I always listen? No. Did I continue to make mistakes? Yes. But I learned from them, and accepted that I am human.

-I’ve learned to speak my truth. Which is more than being honest with myself and the people around me. It’s a strange sensation, like I cannot hold back what I feel needs to be said. There is a time and place, of course, so social awareness is key, but I can’t bury it like I used to. My old mindset of “it’s not important, it doesn’t matter” is gone. It is important and not sharing it could be a huge disservice to myself and the people who need to hear it.

-I learned to just be. This is a big one for me. I found that I did not need to work to feel of value, or hit some new exercise record to feel accomplished, or to meditate to feel peace, or travel to feel excitement. I don’t need a relationship to feel love. (Doesn’t mean that I don’t want these things, I do, I just don’t need them). I don’t need something to look forward to, or memories to hang onto. Now is perfect, and experiencing that is enough. It is enough to just be me. After feeling that and embodying it, I’ve transitioned into doing more things that bring me joy. I am still doing just as much as I used to, it’s just coming from a different place.

-This year I lived outside my comfort zone. That's where I found growth and fun and presence. Some of those things: I did an Emotional Healing Retreat in New Mexico, posed for a 2022 lingerie calendar for a local artist, practiced Marconics (energy healing), started playing the piano again (after 20 years), joined a softball team (first time after breaking my collar bone in 2019), started writing again (in this blog and beyond that), got a roommate, invested in Crypto, moved to Plano, road tripped from Arizona to Texas, learned about Holistic dentistry, practiced fasting, started dating again, and took time off work. I still have a week with my brother and his kids, a girls trip to Austin, a new job to start, and I am hosting Christmas at my place for the first time. 

-I learned that being alone is better than being with people who bring you down. Not that they are “bad” people, but people who drain my energy. I used to think that something was better than nothing. That being with someone was better than no one, so I latched on to anyone and everyone. But I’ve seen that once I close one door that’s not meant for me, another will open. That what’s truly best for me can only come along when I make space for it. 

-I learned that growth is not linear. On a recent job interview, the employer never showed. I thought, huh, he must have gotten held up with a patient. A friend doesn't call me back and I hope they're okay. I give them the benefit of the doubt; it's not about me, people have their own shit going on. Another day I'm raging about someone who's forgotten an arranged meeting. Everything feels personal, and i sink into this victim mentality, like "I've been stood up, they don't respect my time, they don't respect me" until I'm spiraling in my own anger, then sorrow. But mid tantrum I stand back and look at myself, like "what are you doing? what is this really about?" And i can see again. I regress, but I'm aware of it. And again, I move forward.

-I learned to accept good things. Why am I so shocked when good things come to me or when everything works out? I've learned to accept that I deserve good things. ALL OF THEM. It's not "too good to be true," it's just good. There's no catch, I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've listened to that story for too long. Things are just good, and that's how they should be. 

-This is trippy, but I've been able to separately see my true thoughts and feelings and my ego. You know that nagging voice in your head that chimes in with the shittiest comments? Well, recently, when that voice came in, I was alarmed, and thought "who the fuck is that?" I can see that it is not me, and just a pre-programmed response that's trying to keep me where I've always been. Here's an example: I was spending time with a guy I like, and once we parted ways I heard, "Meh, I don't really know if I want that." This was shocking to me because we had a great time. Then I realized, ahhh, things are good, this is the part when I run, or hide, or self sabatoge. But that isn't me anymore (as mentioned above, I'm here for all the good things). It was a painful moment because I instantly saw how many life decisions I'd made from following this voice. I had thrown away a lot of great opportunities. But it was also beautiful, because here I am and I'm not doing it anymore!

-I’ve understood the true meaning of faith. Leaving my job with nothing else lined up, for example, knowing that what’s meant for me will come along. I’ve always had a plan, a back up plan, a structured life, routine, I never put all my eggs in one basket. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting on my couch hoping someone knocks with a job offer, and blowing through my savings either. But I’ve discerned the difference between “being responsible” and functioning from a place of fear. It is not always easy, but I’m doing it anyway.