A Week Away

I Took A Week Away From the Things I Love, Here’s What I Learned

Have you ever been in a place where it feels like everything is going right? Things are good, and you feel like you finally figured it out?… I did. I have a pretty comfortable job, working 4 days a week, a man that I am incredibly happy with, and I am finally training for a fitness competition, putting me in the best shape of my life. 

I’ve been checking off my goals one by one.

Normally, I would harp on this momentum and ride it out as hard as I could. I feel like life is like that sometimes, cycles of greatness and this positive momentum that picks up speed and moves forward into what you think you want. Until it’s not. It slows down or it can crash, and it might feel like you’re back to the beginning and having to start all over again.

That’s where I was.. picking up speed. My boyfriend and I had just taken a step forward in our relationship. He gave me a key to his place, we have our first vacation planned, and I’d just started spending more time with his kids. My body was changing and constantly evolving to fit the build I needed for my bikini competition. My income had ramped up after a few months in my office. I was THRIVING. But instead of being swept away by the high of it all, I took a step back and stopped “doing” for a week. EVERYTHING (but work—I’ve done that extensively before).

For a week I let go of the things that I loved. But WHY? I know you’re asking that, because I had asked that too when it was first suggested to me. At first it felt like punishment, like why should I let go of the things that I love? Why, when I’m finally truly happy?

Because happiness can be an escape. 

Because who am I when I'm not a girlfriend, or an athlete, or achieving something?

Because I needed to be the source of my own happiness, and feel it without any external influence.

Because I need to discern if what I do is out of expectation, to escape, or from a place of love.

Because what we love can so easily become an attachment (something we need).

So what was it like?

At first, it was hard. I felt uncomfortable and restless, and sometimes I didn’t even realize that I was doing things. I didn’t understand what it meant to do nothing, so i would paint or leave for a walk, and realize that I hadn’t stopped. I caught myself in those moments, and had to tell myself to stop. To sit. And remind myself that it was okay to just be.

The awareness of my body changed. I honestly lost an awareness of it. I was so used to being sore when I moved and reminded of the work I’d put in. Without that I felt soft and supple, until I really didn’t feel my body at all beyond: I’m hungry, I’m tired. And so my eating and sleep became more intuitive and less routine based.

Things away from my boyfriend have been pretty comical. I’ll start with this: letting him go (even for the short period that I did) was the main reason it took me so long to start this. I cried when I last saw him, as if it was our last goodbye. (Cue the tiny violin). But then on our first day apart, I ran into him at COSTCO, a store that neither of us have a membership at. (I was using my cousin’s and he was getting his renewed). The day after that I was parked behind him at a stop light on my way home from work. Despite us taking our own paths, the universe conspired to bring us together. It was very confirming for me to see the depth of our connection in these synchronicities, and that made it all the easier to let go. I could fully surrender because I had faith that what was for me would find me. I do not love him less, or wish to stay apart. But without him I am still content, I am still whole, I am still me.

The biggest shift is that I felt more present. I didn’t have the gym to look forward to, or a night with my guy. So when I was at work, I was just at work. I was in the NOW, and time escaped me. There was no part of me focusing on the future, so I took my time with patients, I engaged more with my co workers, and honestly forgot about everything beyond what was in front of me. It felt like the days slowed down, and I realized that I enjoyed work more than I’d thought. It didn’t feel like an obligation holding me back from other things that I loved, it just was what it was. 

Being present wasn't just about fully absorbing what was happening around me in the moment either-- I felt this too. It was about differentiating if my life decisions are rooted from me NOW or a past version of myself that I was still clinging onto. 

Here's an example. Let's say you have a strong craving for mint chocolate chip ice cream, and you search every shop in the area, but they're all out. It's all you want, and all your mind can focus on for however long you search. Weeks, months, or years go by and someone brings you an unopened, slightly frosted pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream on what happens to be the hottest day of the summer. Do you dive into it to satisfy this former craving, or do you stop, ask yourself what the you in this NOW moment wants and honor that? It may be a yes, it's still your favorite flavor and you were just thinking about ice cream. Or you may find that your preferences have changed. Or that the craving only exists in your mind as something to be fulfilled, a form of accomplishment--- you finally got what you wanted! It can feel hard to let that go. I've learned that the ice cream (for me it represents validation/love) isn't what I needed to let go of, what I had to release was the version of me that thought I needed to fulfill that craving to be satisfied. 

"It's not about the people, it's about the pattern." (this was yelled to me in a dream this week)

What a wise statement. This helped me step back and look at the dynamics in my life from a birds eye view. Each person was placed in my life for the purpose of reflecting something to me. Some lesson, some pattern, some aspect of myself that I had to learn from and let go of. This perspective allowed me to feel and release the emotions I associated with them. Whatever was happening between us, was for a greater purpose than eliciting an emotion in me. That was just a tool. I can't label them as anything more than a catalyst in my soul's evolution. I am now extremely grateful for every interaction; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Stepping away from what I felt allowed me to see what was being presented to me. And it is ALWAYS an opportunity to choose greater, or to choose different, to choose myself, or to break a pattern in my life.

After all is said and done, here is what I know now: 

* I love my boyfriend, but I am also happy by myself. I can choose to be with him AND still choose myself fully.

* I love being an athlete, I love the journey it’s taken me on, but it does not define me. I can choose to do it how I want to and when it feels good to me. And if I choose to not do it at all, then so be it. 

* There is time for everything. There will always be time for the people and the things that I love. There will always be time for myself. But I will only truly feel joy in the present, living a life as who I am NOW.

*Every moment is an opportunity to be different, to choose to become a better version of myself, and to create a better life.

WHAT WOULD BE HARD FOR YOU TO LET GO OF? WHO WOULD IT SEEM HARD TO LIVE WITHOUT?