I stood on an outdoor patio, watching a party move around me. The dogs (Knight, Pumba, etc.) were chasing each other playfully. I hadn’t seen these dogs or some of their owners in years. I went to feel them, to make sure they were real. I couldn’t reach or touch them while they sprinted after each other, but I could feel them and this joy I felt from knowing them, as if the time I ’d spent with them was happening now, and that love was here now too.
I got nervous as they ran around the babies. Kaia and Braum were playing, and Malachi squatted around his toys. He was a clone of his father (Brandon), but with thick blond hair dropping heavily into a mushroom cut. "People still do mushroom cuts?" I thought. Christina handed Bodhi to me. His big, round, blue eyes stared up, fixed into mine. I could feel his weight in my arms— he definitely had my brother’s build. They were all so beautiful, but I was seeing them at different times. Kaia and Braum as the toddler’s they are now, Malachi as a 2 year old and Bodhi as in infant. Malachi and Bodhi have not been born yet, but here I was, seeing them, and feeling them see me.
The whole house was full of people I’d come in contact with throughout my life. They filled this mansion or maybe it was a country club? Wherever it was, it was massive, with an open indoor space, outdoor patio, deck, and open fields. It was a clear, warm day in the middle of spring, and I realized that this was a party for me. As I went inside, I saw my dad, surrounded by his aunts and cousins. “Lets change this awful music and dance,” he said. He switched the station from Pop to Salsa, and started moving with the beat. My father is not a dancer, and not one to start a party, but here he was, moving around the room, glowing. I’d never seen him so happy in my life. And the room followed; the whole party was in bliss.
I left through the front door, and climbed up to a bench in front of the house. I sat there, enjoying the silence and the scenery. Everyone was having a blast. I didn’t need to entertain, or cook, or mingle, I just let them be. I felt stillness, and was content just being outside, staring at the hills. Will came around from behind me and sat on the other end of the bench. He did not look at me or speak, we both remained in silence observing what was in front of us. He was in gym shorts and a white T shirt, and his left leg was wrapped in a white cast.
“Oh my God, what happened?” I asked, “Are you okay?” I was frantic, but he just sat there, not acknowledging me or my concerns. A moment passed and he got up, propped onto his crutches, and made his way towards the house. He took his shirt off and dove into the olympic size pool on the side of the house. I followed and watched, but he dove so deep that I couldn't see him anymore. “Should I be worried?” I thought. Then I reasoned, “no, he knows how to swim.”
I walked away, moving to the other side of the house, when this little girl came to me. She was about 7 years old with short strawberry blonde hair that barely reached her shoulders. She had a bunch of small freckles on her cheeks that made her look tan, and bangs that just passed her eyebrows.
She grabbed my arm, “We have to go, we have to leave.” She said to me. She was whiny and panicking, like she was about to cry. “We need to run away.”
I looked at her, confused, “Why, what’s going on?” I knew this girl, it was hard to see her so distressed. She was Will’s daughter from a previous relationship; but she didn’t have a mother (that I could recollect).
As she pulled me, Christina arose, kind of out of nowhere. ‘You didn’t hear?” she said.
“Hear what?” I asked. She told me Will had to get surgery on his leg, and that something went wrong.
“He’s on life support,” she said, “they don’t think he’s going to make it.”
My head started to spin. How was that possible, I just saw him, he was fine. She pulled on me again, “They’re going to take me away, we need to run.”
I grabbed her hand and followed her lead. We didn’t go far, just to a house deeper in the countryside.
“Look, we can’t just run away,” I explained to her. “Then they will take you for sure. We need to go to the hospital. We need to figure this out the right way.” But she didn’t understand. Instead of clinging to me, she hid.
“I’m not going to leave you,” I told her. “I promise I’m not going to let anything happen to you, I’m always going to be here.” I said this out loud in the empty space, hoping she’d come out of hiding, and I meant it. I had never held as much love as I had for her.
She crawled out of the bathroom and agreed to come with me. We walked hand in hand down this narrow dirt road, headed toward her dad. With one step forward I felt my body empty out and my head get dizzy. “I can’t believe he’s gone,” I’d think, letting it sink in. “I’m never going to seem him again.” I felt my heart rising to my throat and my eyes burning hot. Then I’d look at her and feel her little hand in mine. “But he gave me this child,” I said to myself. “He brought her to me.” Then every empty corner of me was filled with warmth and light. It expanded around my body and poured out of me.
I cried continuously in cycles of joy and pain. “You wanted a child,” I said to myself in the dream.”Yea, but not like this.”
As we walked, the sky grew hazy from the sun setting. I hadn’t considered where we were going or if it would get dark. We were just on this narrow, winding path, through this beautiful field, and I knew we were headed in the right direction.
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