Black Out

The door closed shut, separating us on either side. I’d pushed him out with my whole body, sending him home in a wave of rage. 

My body buzzed with a sense of relief, or exhaustion from yelling. I felt still as the room came back around me. I was standing in my kitchen in a daze. My eyes came back to the wooden table in front of me, and I could feel the chair shift underneath my hands.

“What just happened?” I wondered.

Ryan had stopped by, I’d invited him to hang out. It was Friday and I just wanted a quiet, mellow night in. My mind flashed through images of us on the couch, like flipping through an unfinished  photo album. He wore navy blue sweats and grey t-shirt, probably fresh from the gym. We’d been talking, I think. Or were we watching something?

I’d just poured a glass of Merlot, and was maybe halfway through. The girls and I always had a jug of Carlos Rossi on hand. It was the first and sometimes only item on our grocery list. We went through the 3 liters weekly. Mostly, I went through it.

I couldn’t fill the gaps, and searched frantically for my phone. It was only 9pm. He couldn’t have been over long. Time was taunting me. I’d arrived in this moment, never knowing when I’d left or where I’d gone. Am I dreaming right now? I thought, questioning my reality. My mind was clear, and my body was stiff and sober. “What had I been fighting about?”

 I thought back to my drive home earlier that week.

“I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere,” I’d thought to myself. But I couldn’t remember getting there. My hands grasped the leather wheel in front of me, and I realized in that moment that I had even been driving. I’d found myself in the wrong town, on a road I didn’t recognize. It was as if I’d woken up in my car after a long nap, and had no clue who had put me there. 

The blackouts were growing longer, and happening sober now too. I could have dissolved right there in my panic. 

I tossed the rest of my wine, and sat to watch my life spin around me. All I felt was fear. I am losing it, I thought. 

I wanted to break out of my body. My skin felt tight, and I could barely breathe. I couldn’t trust my mind, I couldn’t even account for the last hour. I’ll go to my parents house, I thought. No, It’s too late. Krystal will be home soon, she’ll be here, i told myself. I felt like a kid trying to hide from a monster in my closet, knowing that there was no one to yell to for help. Except I was the kid and the monster, and the only person that could help me was hiding in the closet.