Friday, May 27, 2022

Lighthouse

This dream was all of about a 2 minute experience. But it’s power is irrelevant to it’s measurement in linear time. Honestly, the expression of these words feels like a limitation to what I truly felt, I’ve never experienced anything quite like it.


Coming into this dream was like waking up in a new space. I was surrounded in white as if I was stuck inside a floating cloud. There was no horizon beyond me, and no apparent beginning or end to where I was. But I didn’t feel lost, or scared or nervous. Actually, all my attention was in the weight of my arms. I rested a chunky little baby on my left hip. I could count the rolls on its legs and arms, and saw the thin black hair fluttering over its eyes (i think it was a girl). She looked about 9 months old, and was heavy. 


Immediately, I saw Abran. He walked up towards me, appearing from nowhere and nothing. He felt tall to me, like a large presence in this space. He had one hand free, and his other latched onto the girls, who formed a chain behind him. A smile started to grow on his face like it always does. It’s this little smirk he has that widens until his whole face is engaged and radiating joy. Like it’s shooting from the lines around his squinted eyes and vibrating through his teeth. His whole face just glows and it’s like a wave of warmth falls on you. It’s the first thing I ever noticed about him, and why I couldn't look away.


We lock eyes as he raises his free hand. We don’t speak, and I don’t move, I just watch. His hand comes from above and lands softy on my head. As soon as his fingers graze my hair, I feel everything shift inside of me. It’s like a wave of slowly dripping heat is pouring out of his hands and hitting each molecule in my body. One by one I feel it touch my head, then face, then back, each area exploding in an orgasmic sensation. In a wave, my body releases a ray of light that beams out into the space around me in until I can see a full colorful spectrum in this once white space. I thought I was having a full body orgasm at first, but it was different. It was happening on a cellular level, and it continued throughout my body until every part of me was filled with euphoria, and I was floating. The pleasure was all consuming, and this golden light reflected to me with the intensity of the sun. I couldn’t sustain it, my physical body could not handle it, so I woke up, fully alert and lying beside him. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Coming Home

I entered my apartment like a bull in a China shop. I whipped the door open and dropped everything loudly on the floor. I didn’t even empty the luggage out of my car. I was done with everything today. I’d spent the weekend with hundreds of healthcare colleagues, learning about esthetic treatments and the technology of the future. Fractional plasma for collagen regeneration, acoustic waves to improve circulation, all these machines utilizing energy/ high frequency waves to cause cellular change. It was fascinating, and each provider had their own niche and perspective on treatment. But with each person also came an energy to adapt to, and a presence floating like a cloud in my personal space. It was exhausting. I’d slept 9 hours a night, and gotten some physical activity in, but each morning I still woke up with a swollen face, feeling like I was dragging 145 pounds of dead weight. 


I got back to my apartment with my face red and puffy from crying. I’d felt such a relief in my car, just sitting in my own energy. Like a space had opened for me to release every piece of debris I’d picked up over the weekend. I felt like it’d accumulated on my back and was sticking on my skin. In that moment I opened the valve I’d held so tight, and let it release in a wave of grief and anger. While I drove, I even contemplated where I’d go; home to Karina or home to Abran? In reality, I didn’t want to see either of them, I didn’t want to see anyone at all. 


I went to both of them anyway.


Karina filled me in on her week as I laid wrapped up on the couch. I’d missed out on her internal realizations, work, her relationship, and what she knew she needed to work on. I listened to her intently, as Abran bursted through the door. He laid on me, his arms wrapped around my body and his cheek pressed against mine. I held eye contact with Karina through the window that his arms formed around my face. If Karina wasn’t as weird as he was, I don’t know how we would all co-exist. But we did these things without batting an eye, it was just another day in the Treehouse (my apt). 


As time went on I felt Abran just melting into me. His heat merged with mine, and I felt myself slow down under the pressure of his body. I was calm, my mind was clear, and a peace settled over me and the whole space around us. I felt tears welt up again, but from a different place. 


“I feel like I’ve been gone a million years,” I told him. I wasn’t referring to the three days I spent in Austin without him, or the 30 years Id lived without this love. I felt like I’d just come home in this moment, to myself. Like I’d been wandering lost for lifetimes, searching for my purpose or my truth, or a little space where I felt that I fit. But here it was, clear as day. In that moment I knew exactly who I was, and I fit so perfectly in this body, and in this time and space. I was home.



Cue: Coming Home by City and Colour

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Speeding on a Sunday

I was driving home from the lake, just flying from lane to lane on the tollway. My clothes were soaked through with sweat, and I could feel the stiffness of my sun burnt shoulders. 


Ah I cant wait to take a cold shower, I thought, and then sit with my feet up on the couch. I showed up at the lake this morning for the scene. The trees are vibrant this time of year, and the flowers have grown wild after the dramatic bursts of rain. It’s always been my favorite spot in Dallas— to bike, walk, run, or just hang up the hammock and read.


I decided to run today, despite having an oozing laceration on my shin. My legs also burned with residual soreness from my leg day and a 90 minute myofascial massage. It’s fine, I thought. I’ll run the lactic acid out, and walk when I’m feeling tired. And so I did, for the whole 9 mile loop around the lake. It was like a game; run in the sun and a cool down recovery walk in the shade, any shade I could find. When I say it was like a game, I mean it was like the Hunger Games, and the only choice here was to survive.


As I drove the 20 minutes home, the exhaustion set in, and the hunger, but I also felt a sense of completion and strength. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?” I felt like I’d walked a fine line on that one today. Running in the sun with no water… hmm it could kill me. An infection on an open wound?? Mehh, maybe dangerous. My life choices were a little iffy today although I knew that I would make it. But was I any better for that?


I finally saw my exit, “Windhaven 1/4 mile.” and I scooted my way to the right. I imagined cold water pouring over me, and a chocolate smoothie as I rested in my PJ’s. I felt so excited, so grateful for the Treehouse, and the day that lay ahead for me. A day of rest. 


I rode down the ramp and yielded to a mass of cars merging onto the highway. As I slowed down, I turned my head over my shoulder but got stuck. My seatbelt locked and my body was tightly held against the seat. I couldn't turn to check my blind spots, I couldn’t see what was coming from behind me. One car whipped by and cut in front of me, then another. A couple more were still coming, from what I could tell from my rear view mirror. By that point, I’d slowed to a stop, hoping the cars behind me would too. My seatbelt dug into my chest, and I sat there staring forward and to the mirror with my peripherals. Eventually, when all seemed clear, I moved forward, switching 3 lanes to the right so I could turn onto Windhaven. As I pulled off of the ramp, my seatbelt moved with full motion, like it had never been locked at all. 


I was dancing on this fine line again, I could feel it. Except I was being twirled uncontrollably, and didn’t know the moves or where to place my feet. I’d chosen this today instead of flowing with what I felt was true to me. I was tired this morning and could have rested by the pool. But  I locked myself in this mindset of “I should do this, I should do that, do do do, more more more.” And in pushing myself to that limit, I really just kept myself stuck in the same old place I’d been trying to run from. How many times has life brought me to a halt because I couldn’t see the signs that said “SLOW DOWN!!”? One too many, but I’m done not listening. 



Cue: Vienna by Billy Joel



Sunday, May 15, 2022

Future Man

(I wrote this to myself in 2021 as a reminder of what is out there, and of what I deserve. I honestly don't even remember writing this.)

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One day I will meet a man who sees me, who hears me, who knows me in his heart, and chooses me. A man who knows himself and is loyal to his truth. Who knows what he wants and what he is capable of. A man who trusts me with his heart, with his thoughts, and with his future.  A man who who leads and protects me, who is soft with me and leans into me when he is low. A man who shares his thoughts, his dreams, his emotions, knowing that they are safe with me. One day I will meet a man who feels my light like he feels my body. Who trusts me to bear him life. Who wants to see his essence merged with mine.


One day I will meet a man who I surrender to with my body, my mind, and my spirit. Whom I reveal myself to completely, from whom I can not hide and do not want to. A man I hold space for and fully receive. A man I pour my all into. A man I will follow through darkness and light, over space and over time. A man I feel safe with, even from myself. 


If he loves you, he will tell you and he will show you. You will know. If you’re confused about if he loves you it’s because he doesn’t. Silence is just as much of an answer as words. Not choosing is also a choice.