I was driving home from the lake, just flying from lane to lane on the tollway. My clothes were soaked through with sweat, and I could feel the stiffness of my sun burnt shoulders.
Ah I cant wait to take a cold shower, I thought, and then sit with my feet up on the couch. I showed up at the lake this morning for the scene. The trees are vibrant this time of year, and the flowers have grown wild after the dramatic bursts of rain. It’s always been my favorite spot in Dallas— to bike, walk, run, or just hang up the hammock and read.
I decided to run today, despite having an oozing laceration on my shin. My legs also burned with residual soreness from my leg day and a 90 minute myofascial massage. It’s fine, I thought. I’ll run the lactic acid out, and walk when I’m feeling tired. And so I did, for the whole 9 mile loop around the lake. It was like a game; run in the sun and a cool down recovery walk in the shade, any shade I could find. When I say it was like a game, I mean it was like the Hunger Games, and the only choice here was to survive.
As I drove the 20 minutes home, the exhaustion set in, and the hunger, but I also felt a sense of completion and strength. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?” I felt like I’d walked a fine line on that one today. Running in the sun with no water… hmm it could kill me. An infection on an open wound?? Mehh, maybe dangerous. My life choices were a little iffy today although I knew that I would make it. But was I any better for that?
I finally saw my exit, “Windhaven 1/4 mile.” and I scooted my way to the right. I imagined cold water pouring over me, and a chocolate smoothie as I rested in my PJ’s. I felt so excited, so grateful for the Treehouse, and the day that lay ahead for me. A day of rest.
I rode down the ramp and yielded to a mass of cars merging onto the highway. As I slowed down, I turned my head over my shoulder but got stuck. My seatbelt locked and my body was tightly held against the seat. I couldn't turn to check my blind spots, I couldn’t see what was coming from behind me. One car whipped by and cut in front of me, then another. A couple more were still coming, from what I could tell from my rear view mirror. By that point, I’d slowed to a stop, hoping the cars behind me would too. My seatbelt dug into my chest, and I sat there staring forward and to the mirror with my peripherals. Eventually, when all seemed clear, I moved forward, switching 3 lanes to the right so I could turn onto Windhaven. As I pulled off of the ramp, my seatbelt moved with full motion, like it had never been locked at all.
I was dancing on this fine line again, I could feel it. Except I was being twirled uncontrollably, and didn’t know the moves or where to place my feet. I’d chosen this today instead of flowing with what I felt was true to me. I was tired this morning and could have rested by the pool. But I locked myself in this mindset of “I should do this, I should do that, do do do, more more more.” And in pushing myself to that limit, I really just kept myself stuck in the same old place I’d been trying to run from. How many times has life brought me to a halt because I couldn’t see the signs that said “SLOW DOWN!!”? One too many, but I’m done not listening.
Cue: Vienna by Billy Joel
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