Dream Team (dream)

I don’t know how I got here, I just am. I’m roaming on what feels like a marsh. Sand sinks under my feet, and tall grass surrounds me. Although I am close to the sea, I’m also on the the edges of a forest. I don’t know why I’m here. But then I see him. He’s wandering through a space densely populated with trees and shrubs. He’s carrying a pack of equipment on his back, it looks like a bag of tools and survival needs. He uses the machete in his hand to clear the path in front of him. I just watch, realizing I’m here in the wilderness with nothing but a t shirt and jeans. 

“What is he doing?” I think. I watch him trek around, but I can see him both from where I stand and a birds eye view. Does he know that he’s just wandering in circles?

I intercept him, and he looks shocked to see me. 

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He tells me about a thesis he’s writing, his life’s project, his gift to the world. He tells me how he’s going to show the world how to access an other world experience. He gets into scientist mode and shares his findings on the laws of physics and how limiting they’ve been to us. “There is another form of existence out there for us,” he shares, “and we can all access it, we just need to be taught how.” He shares about this life in a higher dimension, a heavenly experience on an earth rid of war, rid of hate, and fueled by love.

“I have all the tools,” he tells me. “I just need to get there.”

I smile at him, in admiration and understanding. “I know exactly how to get there,” I share. “I have the map.”

I grab his hand and start walking to where the forest meets the beach. He used his tools to clear our path. We walk up some hills and through different vegetations, until we arrive at this beautiful, ancient tree. “This is it,” I tell him, “this is the bridge.” He doesn’t question it or me, although he doesn’t understand. I turned to him and said, “I will show you.”

The tree trunk before us is like a hologram. It has the appearance of rigid, dried out bark, but I can push my hand right through it. I step in, holding his hand in mine. Like a laundry shoot, we’re dropped down and slide through a massive, dark tunnel. We slide so far but so fast, it feels like our entire journey happens in an instant.

We’re deposited on the sandy marsh, much like the one we’d come from, but completely different. The shore is exploding in colorful flowers, blends of colors I can’t describe. Water hits the shore with calming waves. The sky is a vibrant blue with streaks of color, as if the land was reflected in it. A tall, beautiful, white house sits at the top of a hill, overlooking the sea. It’s not hot or humid, but the air feels warm and tingly, like that feeling you get when your crush puts his arm around you. People are roaming everywhere, just frolicking and playing, we could hear the laughter from where we were. 

“We’re here.” I say, but we both just take it in in silence.

“All this time I’ve been searching, and you had a map?” he says, almost in a whisper.

“Yea,” I answered. I had a map, but I didn’t know of what, until he told me what he was searching for.

“Well, we have to go back,” he says. “We have to backtrack, and draw it out, and collect data. I have to write it out.”

I didn’t want to go back. But I understood that we could open this up for everyone, we could shift everything with our findings. And his thesis— that was his mission here.  And I knew that we could only do it together. 

*****************************************************************************************

Over the next few nights I dreamt of this journey— of us going back and forth, taking notes and mapping this out. We wrote abstracts and brainstormed titles.. it was like being back in college again.

 

Going Home (dream)

I woke up and tossed the white sheets to the side to free my face. I saw him laying beside me, still sleeping. As I sat up and looked around, I realized I was in the room I grew up in, at my parent’s house. I smiled and thought, “I am home.”

I turned over to cuddle him, and put my arm around his body. He squirmed uncomfortably under my touch, and subtly tried to push me away. I knew then that he wasn’t sleeping, and that he wanted to be left alone. So I let him go. I turned over to my side, leaving a large space between us. We were practically on opposite edges of the bed. 

As I closed my eyes to sleep again, I felt him his arm land on my waist, and it was as if his entire being was embracing me in a bear hug. It was peaceful and warm, and all I could do was smile.

We both got up and walked through my parents’ house. Except the house was changing in front of me. The living room opened up and had vaulted ceilings and spiral staircases. The interior was all cherry wood with velvet reds, there were floor to ceiling bookshelves and fireplaces turned up in flames. It looked like the mansion from Beauty In the Beast. It was stunning. 

“Let’s go upstairs, it gets better,” I said to him.

So we walked, hand in hand, up the staircases and past members of my family. They each had something to say. 

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” my dad said. I didn’t respond, and just thought, no dad, keep up.

My mom questioned, “who is that man?”

My brother came along with another remark.. “well what about…”

They each came to me like children full of fears and anxiety. But I did not stop to entertain them, we did not engage. I moved past them as if in my own protected bubble of bliss. I floated past them, smiling as I climbed higher and higher to spaces I’d never seen before. 

Dismantled

What if you just let go of your whole life? Let it fall apart at the seams. Step away from your job, forget about your 401k or your investments, or that “what am I supposed to do next” thought. Wake up in the morning whenever your body is ready, and feel out what you want to do that day. What’s calling your soul? 

The part of me that is a “realist” (stuck in the perceived truths of this reality) says yea right. How can you live that way when there are three thousand and forty one things to worry about, to do, to plan for, and that could go wrong. I was taught to work, to fulfill certain social roles, and to build security for my future. Check off all those boxes, and don’t question how limiting it is to be able to fit into any or all of them.

Another aspect of me is just observing myself in the life I’ve created already. I went to school for 8 years, became a doctor, supported myself, moved across the country alone, and travelled to various regions of the world. I look at all that I’ve done and I KNOW that I can do absolutely anything. Because the reality is, I already have.

So I’m here, at this nexus point (again) where I’d like to let it all go. People ask me “how do you do it?” Well, for one, I live a simple life. I am unattached, in several ways. I have no mortgage, car payments, or kids. I am responsible for nobody but myself, and this way of life was a choice. I am unattached from the need to have a mortgage, new car, or kids, to climb the latter at work, or to save the world. These were all very important to me at one point. I needed them like you might need a new iPhone when it comes out. 

Now I am satisfied with the smallest moments of this human experience; hot coffee on my patio, unstructured writing, baking and feeding the people I love, simple interactions with the people I come across, the smell of damp grass in the morning, the colors of the sun reflecting off the clouds, the sound of my own breathing.

With every aspect of my life dismantled, I can get up and ask myself why i am doing what I choose to do. Is it enhancing my ability to enjoy these experiences, or getting in the way of them? This short human experience is a collection of moments, and these moments are OUR choice. 

So what is calling your soul?

Walk from the Mailbox

Silence wraps around my body, and I can feel its cold tail tracing down my skin. My body moves forward, and I hold this stillness close to me. There is nothing pending beyond this moment, and nothing I can remember from before it. All I know is I am free to continue in whichever way I please, to the moment which I next wish to experience. The space is vast around me, and the paths flow endlessly from where I stand. Whichever way my foot lands, it will do so joyfully. Because I am here. Because I AM.

Fitness; Beyond the Physical

Several people have been shocked to see me light up when they ask about my fitness competition. To most it looks like months of a restricted diet and physical exertion. More than once I’ve heard, “I’m tired just thinking about it.” But when I share my experience I start talking really fast and way too much, like I’d just crushed some extra pre-workout. It can be overwhelming to get slammed with this type of energy. I can see it on their bewildered faces.

So how did I get to this place?

Good question. It took me years to get where I am on my fitness journey. And I don’t mean that in a physical way. I’ve been more fit, more flexible, and have had a lower body fat. What I mean is that it took time to arrive at a place where my physical activity was rooted from a place of love.

To see the contrast of where I am today, lets dive into where I started, and more importantly, why.

1. Community

I was an athlete growing up, dedicated to softball year round, basketball in the winter, soccer one fall, and rugby another. It was an outlet for me on several levels. I was a part of a team, and always had a place where I felt that I belonged. I had a mindless escape, it was a beautiful place that allowed me to live only in the present moment.

2. Esthetics

Despite all that, I was slightly overweight (mostly as a kid, and then again in college). So I exercised to look cute in my new bikini, to fit into a new dress, or to be accepted in what was defined as beautiful, which in my youth was being “thin.”

3. Escape

It’s a well known fact that exercise can aid in fighting depression. A 20 minute cardio session pumps you with endorphins, can boost your mood and leave you with energy to push you through the day. As a native New Englander, I experienced seasonal depression from about October through April. The dark months and cold mornings felt draining and in turn I felt lifeless. So when everyone became sedentary and cozy at home, I ramped up my workout regimen. I tried to trick my body into thinking it was spring. I basked in the LED lighting at the gym. When I could feel the blood pumping through my veins, the pounding of my heart, and sweat drip through my clothes I felt grounded in my body again. I felt alive.

I didn’t always cope this way. In college I used alcohol and drugs as my escape. It was easier, it was quicker, and at that point I was strictly existing in a place of survival. That instant gratification spiraled into a constant source of comfort, until fitness made its way back to me. In this way, although I hadn’t addressed the true source of my depression, I traded one addiction for another, seemingly healthier one.

4. Empowerment

At 30, I drastically shifted my perspective on fitness. I no longer exercise to “fix” a part of my body or to escape my negative emotions. How did I get here? By working through those internal conflicts! Yes, this is a physical and spiritual journey. Addressing my belief systems and thought processes allowed me to heal and then detach from my coping mechanisms. 

Now I exercise to celebrate my body, to celebrate my current strength and to push the limitations that I had placed for myself. I consciously choose to work out, simply because it’s fun to me. Honestly, it has only been fun after removing the judgement and the pressure of image and performance.

How I Use this Mindset During Prep:

During my competition prep I’ve learned the importance of intuitive eating and exercise. Do I follow my coach and her plan? Yes, in a way. She gives me a list of workouts for the week, and while I complete them all, I do so at my discretion. I choose the workout I’m doing that day based on how my body feels. Do I count macros? Yes. But I choose to eat those foods when I feel hungry. 

It’s true, the plan is strict, but it is not imprisoning. Does it take time? Yes, but I still have time for everything else. There is no feeling of sacrifice when my time spent exercising is a conscious choice and not a task to complete out of obligation. This has been the big difference in shifting exercise from a physical need to a source of joy.

Burnout: What Is It and Where Did it Come From?

The term “burnout” has gained popularity in the last few years. We hear warnings about it, and symptoms like it’s a contagious disease. 

But it’s not, it’s just a disconnect between your daily actions and your soul’s purpose. 

There’s an unbearable level of exhaustion that comes from living life by the limiting rules that society has constructed for us. Have you ever gotten up and felt like someone hit the repeat button on your life? “Is it Tuesday or Wednesday?” you ask yourself, but you can’t tell because every day is the exact same experience. 

Running on this never ending hamster wheel can be tiring, but sometimes we can’t see it until we crash. Whether it’s an existential crisis, a reckless night that leads to self sabotage, or a physical illness, life will show us that we can’t continue this way.

If you hate your job or where you’re at in life, you may not know what to do. The only thing that is clear is that you need a change.

If you love what you do, that’s great, so do I! But I’ve learned that the passion I’ve had for my career left me blind to the fact that there is more to life than just that, there is an unlimited amount of experiences to be had. You can love something, enjoy it, and then move on to another.

So, burn out. What does it feel like?

Dread. Like your body feels so heavy that you drag your feet to get to work and are too drained to do anything afterwards. It’s leaving for lunch and fantasizing about driving as far as your car will take you. It’s being excited about a flat tire because hmm…. I just might not make it in today.

Okay, those are pretty extreme. It can also be feelings of anxiety, nervousness, and fatigue. It may appear to you in a plethora of ways, we are all different in how we feel discontent.

So how do we wind up burnt out when we pursue the career we always wanted? I had my first feelings of burn out in the first year of my career, and I wondered how I’d gotten there so fast. The truth is that I’d been working for years to get to where I was. My life decisions to this point were rooted in my attachment to his outcome: to a job, a position, a title. I had glorified it, and it fell short of all my unrealistic expectations.

I invested time, money, and energy into learning a skill that I thought would bring me value. Yet all it lead to was work, to a position on the hamster wheel. There I was working for someone else, for hours that I couldn’t dictate, with little to no benefits. I had strived to work in a system that didn’t allow me to move.

Have you ever worked with someone who just gets up one day, loses it, and walks out? This is an obvious consequence to working in a space that is out of alignment. The dangers of burnout that we don't see, however, is the self doubt that can creep up, the poor decision making, the mind fog, anxiety that doesn’t leave when the day is over, depression, poor quality of work, and decreased creativity and learning.

Bring an awareness to your feelings throughout the day to see if you’re experiencing burn out in your career choice. Are you excited for your day, are you seeking expansion in your role? Do you have the passion you did on your first day in the office? Or are you tired and working from a place of obligation?

I found that writing down my feelings in the moment allowed me to look back on my daily experiences and gauge whether or not those were aligned with the life I am striving to create. Acknowledging where I am has led me to take action towards where I want to be.

What Talk Therapy Did and Didn't Do For Me

For some people, it takes dramatic hardships and steep lows to seek out therapy. How many couples come in when their marriage is about to break? How many young professionals roll in mid burn out, or in the throws of some existential crisis? 

I’m sure it’s more than we’d hope. I was one of those people. 

Talk therapy has become popular now, and accepted as a normal “self care” practice. It’s in all our favorite movies and shows, and it’s become a norm in a generation inspired to seek self fulfillment and joy. We’re also living in a time of intense trauma, both on a personal and global level, where everyone needs to talk to someone.

Here’s what therapy did for me, what it lacked, and what I learned:

1. Therapy made space for me to be human.

In therapy I could share my feelings about anything and everything. I could have a pity party over the coworker who annoys me, and vent about the man who didn’t give me the attention I wanted, because that was what I was there for. It was a space for me to unload without severing a personal relationship, and to let out all of my emotions in the most raw, child like form without social repercussions. It was a wonderful release.

2. Therapy validated my feelings when I didn’t know how to.

Sometimes, the weight of the world can be sitting on our shoulders, but we are still okay. We experience things through life and move on, perhaps we're suffering but still functional. You’re friends see it, your family knows it. You’re strong, you’ll be fine. Sometimes all we need is for an outsider to confirm that, “that must have been hard,”  or “that was a lot.” Simple, short words can let you unravel at the seams and acknowledge that sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. For me this validation was life changing. “You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t always have to be strong,” opened up a door of vulnerability in my life that allowed me to face myself on a deeper level.

3. I heard my story out loud. Over and over again.

Therapists are great at rooting your behavior and feelings back to an earlier event in life. The smallest childhood traumas can skew your perceptions, and these are the lenses we see the world through. Pinpoint the trauma to understand the perception. Root it back. Explain the experience, and feel the emotions. We have to feel these emotions to fully release them, but then what? This is what was lacking for me, this was the point where I felt stuck. I could pinpoint the cause of a feeling or reaction, but I had no tools to pivot and move forward. I have a story, yes, we all do. But how do we change the story? Without these tools we are running in circles, and simply reliving these moments, as if we’re stuck in a time loop. How can we create the life we want if we’re stuck in the past?

Simple; you can’t. Knowing that I had stories and was replaying them in a viscous cycle inspired me to dig deeper. I needed more. I did an emotional healing retreat that brought me into a spiritual practice and opened up my inner world. Only then did my outer world change. I learned to connect with my inner child, with the shadow aspects of myself, feel emotions I’d pushed aside, and learn to regulate those emotions through reparenting techniques. Again, this retreat was simply a doorway that led me to another healing modality, Marconics, which continued to expand my consciousness and shift my life. 

We’re all on our own separate paths, and yours may look very different than mine. For so long I thought psychology would change my life, but what I needed was a spiritual awakening. Know that if you feel defeated after years of therapy and little progress, there is more out there for you!

4. Finding a therapist is like dating.

I saw 4 therapists in a year’s time. The first one told me that it sounded like I was doing pretty well, and wasn’t clear on what I was seeking. The second one felt more like a friend to me, and actually started sharing a lot more of his life with me than I did with him. He was late to our appointments, sometimes forgot, and would often vent about the pandemic. It made me wonder who therapists talked to, but my curiosity wasn’t enough to stay around and find out. 

The stories go on and on. The point is that I had to find someone who didn’t fit the image I had of who I would “mesh with.” Someone that was neutral, and didn’t tiptoe their way into our sessions, and wasn’t afraid to tell me things how it is. It may be appealing to find someone who is warm and like minded, or someone who is simply empathic and understanding. Yes, we need to feel comfortable and receive compassion in this setting, but we also have to remember that the people who tell us the hard truth and inspire us to sit in our discomfort are the people who truly care about our well being and personal progress. 

5. This is your journey, and yours alone.

You are your own advocate, no one will ever care more about your healing journey than you. Yes, you’re paying someone to assist you in navigating whatever it is you have going on, but at the end of the day, the work is yours to do. Don’t hand your life over to someone else to “fix your life.” They may have titles and qualifications and experience that you trust in, but handing over your power is self limiting. Only you have the power to change your life, and to create a reality that is all that you’ve imagined or more.

Whether you’re lost and not sure what’s missing in life, or you’ve been seeking guidance for years, there is a new place for you. Therapy, like life experience itself, is a tool to add to your armamentarium as you move forward. But remember, it is just that: a tool.

 There is a turn in the road that can lead you to your greatest path, so long as you’re looking within and are open to finding it. 

A Week Away

I Took A Week Away From the Things I Love, Here’s What I Learned

Have you ever been in a place where it feels like everything is going right? Things are good, and you feel like you finally figured it out?… I did. I have a pretty comfortable job, working 4 days a week, a man that I am incredibly happy with, and I am finally training for a fitness competition, putting me in the best shape of my life. 

I’ve been checking off my goals one by one.

Normally, I would harp on this momentum and ride it out as hard as I could. I feel like life is like that sometimes, cycles of greatness and this positive momentum that picks up speed and moves forward into what you think you want. Until it’s not. It slows down or it can crash, and it might feel like you’re back to the beginning and having to start all over again.

That’s where I was.. picking up speed. My boyfriend and I had just taken a step forward in our relationship. He gave me a key to his place, we have our first vacation planned, and I’d just started spending more time with his kids. My body was changing and constantly evolving to fit the build I needed for my bikini competition. My income had ramped up after a few months in my office. I was THRIVING. But instead of being swept away by the high of it all, I took a step back and stopped “doing” for a week. EVERYTHING (but work—I’ve done that extensively before).

For a week I let go of the things that I loved. But WHY? I know you’re asking that, because I had asked that too when it was first suggested to me. At first it felt like punishment, like why should I let go of the things that I love? Why, when I’m finally truly happy?

Because happiness can be an escape. 

Because who am I when I'm not a girlfriend, or an athlete, or achieving something?

Because I needed to be the source of my own happiness, and feel it without any external influence.

Because I need to discern if what I do is out of expectation, to escape, or from a place of love.

Because what we love can so easily become an attachment (something we need).

So what was it like?

At first, it was hard. I felt uncomfortable and restless, and sometimes I didn’t even realize that I was doing things. I didn’t understand what it meant to do nothing, so i would paint or leave for a walk, and realize that I hadn’t stopped. I caught myself in those moments, and had to tell myself to stop. To sit. And remind myself that it was okay to just be.

The awareness of my body changed. I honestly lost an awareness of it. I was so used to being sore when I moved and reminded of the work I’d put in. Without that I felt soft and supple, until I really didn’t feel my body at all beyond: I’m hungry, I’m tired. And so my eating and sleep became more intuitive and less routine based.

Things away from my boyfriend have been pretty comical. I’ll start with this: letting him go (even for the short period that I did) was the main reason it took me so long to start this. I cried when I last saw him, as if it was our last goodbye. (Cue the tiny violin). But then on our first day apart, I ran into him at COSTCO, a store that neither of us have a membership at. (I was using my cousin’s and he was getting his renewed). The day after that I was parked behind him at a stop light on my way home from work. Despite us taking our own paths, the universe conspired to bring us together. It was very confirming for me to see the depth of our connection in these synchronicities, and that made it all the easier to let go. I could fully surrender because I had faith that what was for me would find me. I do not love him less, or wish to stay apart. But without him I am still content, I am still whole, I am still me.

The biggest shift is that I felt more present. I didn’t have the gym to look forward to, or a night with my guy. So when I was at work, I was just at work. I was in the NOW, and time escaped me. There was no part of me focusing on the future, so I took my time with patients, I engaged more with my co workers, and honestly forgot about everything beyond what was in front of me. It felt like the days slowed down, and I realized that I enjoyed work more than I’d thought. It didn’t feel like an obligation holding me back from other things that I loved, it just was what it was. 

Being present wasn't just about fully absorbing what was happening around me in the moment either-- I felt this too. It was about differentiating if my life decisions are rooted from me NOW or a past version of myself that I was still clinging onto. 

Here's an example. Let's say you have a strong craving for mint chocolate chip ice cream, and you search every shop in the area, but they're all out. It's all you want, and all your mind can focus on for however long you search. Weeks, months, or years go by and someone brings you an unopened, slightly frosted pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream on what happens to be the hottest day of the summer. Do you dive into it to satisfy this former craving, or do you stop, ask yourself what the you in this NOW moment wants and honor that? It may be a yes, it's still your favorite flavor and you were just thinking about ice cream. Or you may find that your preferences have changed. Or that the craving only exists in your mind as something to be fulfilled, a form of accomplishment--- you finally got what you wanted! It can feel hard to let that go. I've learned that the ice cream (for me it represents validation/love) isn't what I needed to let go of, what I had to release was the version of me that thought I needed to fulfill that craving to be satisfied. 

"It's not about the people, it's about the pattern." (this was yelled to me in a dream this week)

What a wise statement. This helped me step back and look at the dynamics in my life from a birds eye view. Each person was placed in my life for the purpose of reflecting something to me. Some lesson, some pattern, some aspect of myself that I had to learn from and let go of. This perspective allowed me to feel and release the emotions I associated with them. Whatever was happening between us, was for a greater purpose than eliciting an emotion in me. That was just a tool. I can't label them as anything more than a catalyst in my soul's evolution. I am now extremely grateful for every interaction; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Stepping away from what I felt allowed me to see what was being presented to me. And it is ALWAYS an opportunity to choose greater, or to choose different, to choose myself, or to break a pattern in my life.

After all is said and done, here is what I know now: 

* I love my boyfriend, but I am also happy by myself. I can choose to be with him AND still choose myself fully.

* I love being an athlete, I love the journey it’s taken me on, but it does not define me. I can choose to do it how I want to and when it feels good to me. And if I choose to not do it at all, then so be it. 

* There is time for everything. There will always be time for the people and the things that I love. There will always be time for myself. But I will only truly feel joy in the present, living a life as who I am NOW.

*Every moment is an opportunity to be different, to choose to become a better version of myself, and to create a better life.

WHAT WOULD BE HARD FOR YOU TO LET GO OF? WHO WOULD IT SEEM HARD TO LIVE WITHOUT?

Lighthouse

This dream was all of about a 2 minute experience. But it’s power is irrelevant to it’s measurement in linear time. Honestly, the expression of these words feels like a limitation to what I truly felt, I’ve never experienced anything quite like it.

Coming into this dream was like waking up in a new space. I was surrounded in white as if I was stuck inside a floating cloud. There was no horizon beyond me, and no apparent beginning or end to where I was. But I didn’t feel lost, or scared or nervous. Actually, all my attention was in the weight of my arms. I rested a chunky little baby on my left hip. I could count the rolls on its legs and arms, and saw the thin black hair fluttering over its eyes (i think it was a girl). She looked about 9 months old, and was heavy. 

Immediately, I saw Abran. He walked up towards me, appearing from nowhere and nothing. He felt tall to me, like a large presence in this space. He had one hand free, and his other latched onto the girls, who formed a chain behind him. A smile started to grow on his face like it always does. It’s this little smirk he has that widens until his whole face is engaged and radiating joy. Like it’s shooting from the lines around his squinted eyes and vibrating through his teeth. His whole face just glows and it’s like a wave of warmth falls on you. It’s the first thing I ever noticed about him, and why I couldn't look away.

We lock eyes as he raises his free hand. We don’t speak, and I don’t move, I just watch. His hand comes from above and lands softy on my head. As soon as his fingers graze my hair, I feel everything shift inside of me. It’s like a wave of slowly dripping heat is pouring out of his hands and hitting each molecule in my body. One by one I feel it touch my head, then face, then back, each area exploding in an orgasmic sensation. In a wave, my body releases a ray of light that beams out into the space around me in until I can see a full colorful spectrum in this once white space. I thought I was having a full body orgasm at first, but it was different. It was happening on a cellular level, and it continued throughout my body until every part of me was filled with euphoria, and I was floating. The pleasure was all consuming, and this golden light reflected to me with the intensity of the sun. I couldn’t sustain it, my physical body could not handle it, so I woke up, fully alert and lying beside him. 

Coming Home

I entered my apartment like a bull in a China shop. I whipped the door open and dropped everything loudly on the floor. I didn’t even empty the luggage out of my car. I was done with everything today. I’d spent the weekend with hundreds of healthcare colleagues, learning about esthetic treatments and the technology of the future. Fractional plasma for collagen regeneration, acoustic waves to improve circulation, all these machines utilizing energy/ high frequency waves to cause cellular change. It was fascinating, and each provider had their own niche and perspective on treatment. But with each person also came an energy to adapt to, and a presence floating like a cloud in my personal space. It was exhausting. I’d slept 9 hours a night, and gotten some physical activity in, but each morning I still woke up with a swollen face, feeling like I was dragging 145 pounds of dead weight. 

I got back to my apartment with my face red and puffy from crying. I’d felt such a relief in my car, just sitting in my own energy. Like a space had opened for me to release every piece of debris I’d picked up over the weekend. I felt like it’d accumulated on my back and was sticking on my skin. In that moment I opened the valve I’d held so tight, and let it release in a wave of grief and anger. While I drove, I even contemplated where I’d go; home to Karina or home to Abran? In reality, I didn’t want to see either of them, I didn’t want to see anyone at all. 

I went to both of them anyway.

Karina filled me in on her week as I laid wrapped up on the couch. I’d missed out on her internal realizations, work, her relationship, and what she knew she needed to work on. I listened to her intently, as Abran bursted through the door. He laid on me, his arms wrapped around my body and his cheek pressed against mine. I held eye contact with Karina through the window that his arms formed around my face. If Karina wasn’t as weird as he was, I don’t know how we would all co-exist. But we did these things without batting an eye, it was just another day in the Treehouse (my apt). 

As time went on I felt Abran just melting into me. His heat merged with mine, and I felt myself slow down under the pressure of his body. I was calm, my mind was clear, and a peace settled over me and the whole space around us. I felt tears welt up again, but from a different place. 

“I feel like I’ve been gone a million years,” I told him. I wasn’t referring to the three days I spent in Austin without him, or the 30 years Id lived without this love. I felt like I’d just come home in this moment, to myself. Like I’d been wandering lost for lifetimes, searching for my purpose or my truth, or a little space where I felt that I fit. But here it was, clear as day. In that moment I knew exactly who I was, and I fit so perfectly in this body, and in this time and space. I was home.

Cue: Coming Home by City and Colour